When I’m on my period I transform into a completely different person and often than enough my hormones overrule my normal behaviour. For me, it is the worst week of the month for stability and mood swings. I’d much rather I received a text or even an email saying ‘you’re not pregnant. Your next notification will be in four weeks time, toodles’. Living in a period-free world would make me so much happier.
1. I’m sure these jeans fit me last week. I bloat like a motherf*cker when I’m about to start my period. It’s either that, or the massive slice of cake I’ve definitely not eaten…
2. Well, at least I’m not pregnant. This thought runs through my head like clock work when I first come on. As much as I hate periods, I’d rather not be pregnant right now.
3. Although you do hear of the poor women who still get their periods when they’re pregnant. And because life gives me barely any luck, I will be one of those women who will have this issue, because, it’s me and I don’t think life would let me escape my monthly friend.
4. And if life is that unlucky to me, then I could be pregnant? I am also unlucky enough to be in the middle of a daily chore and pop out a baby that I wasn’t expecting. Hey, at least I wouldn’t be the first!
5. I need chocolate. And plenty of it, at that! In fact, not only just chocolate, I would eat anything and everything in sight. I need a lock and chain on my fridge, seriously.
6. Do I smell? Or is this paranoia setting in? I don’t know why but I get super paranoid when I’m on. Doing simple things like sitting at uni, and I suddenly get a whiff, is that me? Can people tell I’m on my period!?
7. Eastenders doesn’t usually make me cry, how strange. I cry at everything! After being nagged for ages to watch Armageddon, I said yes when I knew it would be acceptable to cry and blame the best part of it on my hormones. FYI I cried like it was going out of fashion.
8. Why am I getting fat? Yes Carly, why are you putting on weight? Oh probably all that chocolate and ice cream I consumed without feeling guilty, because it wasn’t me who wanted it, it was my period.
9. I know I’ve already showered today, but I need another one. This could go back to being paranoid, but I shower a lot more than usual when I’m on my period, which can’t be a bad thing really. I just feel so yucky all the time.
10. There is no way I’m looking attractive this week. When I feel disgusting on the inside I think and feel disgusting on the outside, too. So, this is a week where I totally slob out and wear baggy clothes. If I need to look presentable that is just a total inconvenience.
11. I need MORE food! I know I eat more than what I probably should, but I still need more. Perhaps I play on being on my period a little more that what I probably should, but I need more food!
12. I’m super horny. Just because the painters are in doesn’t mean that I don’t have needs. If anything I’m more horny during my period than I am when I’m not. Life is so unfair :@ :@ :@
13. Everything and everybody is getting on my last nerve. This can range from a large number of things and to any extreme. If the shop has ran out of my fave bottled drink, to a TV show not being on telly due to rescheduling. Basically, do not get in my way or you will be very quickly in my bad books.
14. I’m not getting out of bed today, so deal with it. Sometimes you just have to face up to the fact that I’m being lazy af and binge watching something from the comfort of my very own bed.
15. My stomach feels like I’ve got a baby elephant living in the pit of it. I’m bloated for at least two days of my period, and it’s a feeling I absolutely hate!
16. You can do a dot-to-dot picture with all the spots on my face. No wonder I don’t feel attractive with all these extra spots on my face, I need a miracle working concealer. Does anybody own one of those?
17. Life would be so much easier if I was a boy. They have all the luck. However, if they had to give birth I do think humans would go extinct, no offence.
18. I need a massive cuddle. Or two, or three.
19. I need my hot water bottle. Where the hell did I put it last month?
20. Why didn’t I overrun my pill this month? I really don’t need this period right now. I’ve have enough on my plate right now without this.
21. Sitting down has now become uncomfortable. How on earth do tampons move around up there? Where is the room for it all? 😦
22. I actually think I would be better off if I was pregnant. Sometimes periods become so painful I think being pregnant would be better. At least you get something out of being pregnant. Nothing good comes from a period until it ends.
23. Trying to get sympathy from a male is never going to happen. It’s stupid of me to even think I’ll be able to get sympathy from a man, they don’t understand the pain so instead they ignore what you’re going through. All I know is that a kick in the balls doesn’t hurt that much compared to cramps.
24. Will I be able to use the excuse “I’m on my period” if I ring in sick at work. It’s not pulling a sickie if you’re technically sick, right?
25. Who are those people who only have a 3 day period!? How? Tell me your secrets!
26. Oh my god am I leaking!? That constant fear whenever you stand up from sitting down for a while. Especially when you’re in public. I can’t think of anything worse than having a leakage patch on my pants! I’d rather die.
27. I’m sure my last period was just last week? Why does the week not fly over as quick as they seem to when you’re not on your period?
28. When did I last change my tampon? Erm, I really need to put an alarm on my phone to remind me.
Can you relate to any of the above, or am I alone in this?